The New Horror Handbook

There is no shortage of controversy in our beloved genre. The absurd numbers of remakes that spill out of Hollywood, the validity (or lack thereof) of torture in horror films, the copious amounts of utter dreck that the average fan must sift through before finding that rarest of the rare: a great horror flick.

One of the oddest controversies revolves around the man fans love to hate: Uwe Boll.

True, the director’s cinematic output is less-than-stellar: BloodRayne, Alone in the Dark (yes, yes, the one where Tara Reid played a scientist, sigh…), House of the Dead, you all know the roll call of shame. What puzzles me is the utter vehemence with which fans have attacked the man.

We’re all friends here, and surely we can all admit that a good 95% of the movies this genre churns out is utter bilge, to put it mildly.

Let’s try a little thought experiment, shall we? Picture in your mind an empty 6×8-foot DVD rack in your local video shop. See it? Good. Now start filling that rack with each horror film that you’ve actually enjoyed, one DVD box at a time — sure, even those guilty pleasures you would never admit to watching. Chances are pretty good that you would never fill that rack. That means all of the dozens of horror films that DIDN’T make the imaginary rack are crap, and much of it probably crap no better than Boll’s works.

So why then do we not curse the name of these other directors, too? Yes, Boll’s a repeat offender, but his horror output is surprisingly small - I count seven movies - considering the amount of animosity that’s shoveled into his schnitzel.

The Scotsman published an interesting piece on this phenomenon recently, pointing out the difference between how people view Boll and the affection showered on the previous holder of the “world’s worst director” crown: Ed Wood. Though no explanation is given in the piece, one is clearly implied. Whereas Wood was something of a sweet stooge, Boll often comes across as an angry, bellicose sort. If nothing else, he may go down in history as the first director to meet his critics in the boxing ring. (Something he tried to repeat earlier this year [see clip above] with director Michael Bay.)

While this kind of behavior is far removed from the gentle, starry-eyed dreamer depicted in the 1994 biopic Ed Wood, there may be another reason why Boll is so universally reviled. Between his lashing out at the critics and his grumbling about being unappreciated, he occasionally turns the mirror back on the movie-going public. Take this open letter he posted on the Web site of his latest film, Postal:

To all of you writing now about me and the fact that POSTAL is not getting screens.

its okay ..its fun kicking a guy nonstop who is on the ground

you are all not getting it that i’m the guy who made it against the big hollywood system and you are all only busy to destroy me and finish me up
and then you YOU WON WHAT ? the attention of the studios, michael bay .. ?????
if you damage me you feel closer to Hollywood ? what is your game plan?

you want only movies like JUMPER , SPEED RACER , WHAT HAPPENDS IN VEGAS …? then keep going and your dreams will be fullfilled. POSTAL makes some very important points ..but you dont wanna see that …. : that Bush used the SEPTEMBER 11 to start a war against a country what had nothing to do with Bin Laden etc…. but this all doesnt matter because you are all busy to THINK that INDIANA JONES or NARNIA are important movies … but in real they are empty shells of an industry what wants to make money and what wants to keep you looking “escape movies” with nothing in it. in between they are putting some CONTROVERSIAL movies to show that they can do also IMPORTANT movies …but also this movies are not really critical….they only supporting the system and not showing the big picture. and POSTAL shows the BIG PICTURE …it nails the absurd situation with all the stupid religions, races and nations we are living in. POSTAL is not accepting bullshit politics. POSTAL has not the opinion that Bush made mistakes - POSTAL has the opinion that it is a scandal that BUSH is not in jail. What happened in America in the last 7 years is the biggest joke since Columbus stepped on that land.

but instead of seeing the courage i had in doing that movie against everybody who tried to stop me - you are sitting on your desks and you are working on stories about me ….and my image as the worst director on earth…and you fullfill what your editor wants from you in regards of uwe boll …or you fullfill what you think makes you a cooler guy in the internet …and you are not getting it that you are only interested in movies like IRON MAN or HULK or KUNG FU PANDA or the MUMMY 3 because the studios spending 60 mio. $ in advertising to make you interested in NON INTERESTING movies. how many times you wanna keep going in movies only because the TRAILER was so cool and the CGI was so great ?

thanks for reading this

Uwe Boll

Many crimes are unforgivable, but none so much as letting fly with a bit of truth.